KEARNS — Fifty-four couples from throughout the Diocese of Salt Lake City learned how to create the habit of happiness from Dr. Jim Healy at a marriage enrichment retreat at St. Francis Xavier Parish Feb. 14. The special Valentine retreat "Making Happiness a Habit," was sponsored by the Diocesan Family Life Office. Dr. Healy is Director of the Center for Family Ministry for the Catholic Diocese of Joliet, Ill. Dr. Healy said it is not the big events in our lives that really cause happiness, as important as they may be, it is the little things. "Our happiness is not based on those mountain-top experiences, but what happens, day to day," said Dr. Healy. "St. Theresa said most of us are not going to do extraordinary things, but what we can do is ordinary things extraordinarily well." Dr. Healy said we see movies such as "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" where they save each other’s lives, but most of us are not going to do that. We have to save our spouse’s just a little bit every day. That is our job." Dr. Healy said his job is to provide hope, psychology, and spirituality for people, and it is called positive psychology. It is making miserable people less miserable and happier. He asked the 54 couples what they thought made them happy. Together they listed laughter, money, relationships, youth, success, grandchildren, the outdoors, pets, being healthy, food, security, and sex. But Dr. Healy said the largest contributor to your optimism or happiness is genetics. It turns out that roughly 50 percent of our temperament comes from our inherited factors. A study taken of twins who were raised separately were much more similar to each other than they were to those parents who raised them. Adopted children who eventually met their biological parents were more similar to their biological parents than their adopted parents who raised them. "So you might say that is depressing, or you might be grateful," said Dr. Healy. "There is a set point, and you can decide if you are going to live at the bottom or top of that set point." Dr. Healy said money makes us happier only for a little while, and then people get used to what they have and need more. However, if you do not have enough money to live on, then money is a big contributor to your happiness. Once you have enough money to live comfortably, making more money will not make you happier. The only way making more money will make you happy is if the excess is used in a service of something greater than yourself. Dr. Healy said as far as your health, it is not your health per se, it is your perception of your health that makes you happy. It is not objective, it is what you feel. Circumstances in your life might affect 10 percent, but 40 percent is internal. "There are four points of prayer connected to happiness in a marriage, and also in a full relationship with God," said Dr. Healy. "They are petition, thanksgiving, contrition, and praise. We will look these four areas, what our Church teaches us, and what we can do to to boost our happiness. Dr. Healy said the first area is thanksgiving, which is gratitude. There is a very high correlation between gratitude and forgiveness, the second area. Gratitude has very little to do with the external circumstance of life. We are happy because we are grateful. But humans tend to focus on that which is bothering us. We are the only species who have irritability. Dr. Healy had each participant make a gratitude diary/audit. He said people who make a list every night are more grateful and less aware of their problems. They actually sleep better at night. Then he had them make a list of what they were grateful for in their spouse, and share them. Dr. Healy said if you were to make this a part of your marriage, it would clearly boost your marital happiness. Dr. Healy said forgiveness is the heart of Christianity. Jesus constantly upset the Pharisees when he would tell sinners, your sins are forgiven. "We have the power to forgive sins, especially in marriage," said Dr. Healy. "In marriage each spouse thinks the other is forgiven more often. Asking for forgiveness is a crucifixion, so we will do anything we can not to ask for forgiveness. We often explain instead of apologizing. If you break an agreement it needs an apology, an explanation can come later, not at the point of the pain. "One way of insinuating it is the other person’s fault is saying, I didn’t mean it that way, I’m sorry if you took it that way," said Dr. Healy. "In terms of forgiveness it is helpful not to try to scrutinize to try to determine who is the villain, but rather initiate an apology. Anticipate each other in showing love, and take the piece that is yours. Couples judge the other person to be more at fault, so they wait for the other person to apologize. So don’t wait. You forgive for yourself because hatred is a slow form of suicide. You carry the hurt and anger." The third step of happiness is petition, or how to ask or how not to ask for things. The marriages with the most complaints are the happiest marriages. There is a difference between complaints and criticism. Complaints point to the behavior, criticism points to the person. Criticism shuts down communication and attacks the person. Complaints make for happy marriages, criticism leads to contempt. Complaints ask for change such as will you please put the milk away and clean up your crumbs when you make toast. Criticism is saying you are a slob. We will have rats in here if you don’t clean up your mess. "In marriage there is more than love, there is unconditional respect," said Dr. Healy. "When asking for a change avoid using the words never and ever, such as you never bring me flowers. "Praise is the fourth step, and is other focused," said Dr. Healy. "In marriage, making love is the highest praise you can show your spouse. You renew your marriage vows every time you make love. "Every contact you make is a bid for attention and should receive a response," said Dr. Healy. "I make it a point to pause or mute the television when I hear a member of my family coming into the room." Another way Dr. Healy said to praise your spouse is to recognize his or her signature strengths, and thank and honor him or her for them. Dr. Healy had the attendees list the strengths of each spouse and share them. He said it is never too late to make new habits, we have a life time ahead of us at any age. For more information on the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops initiative on marriage visit www.foryourmarriage.org.
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