Couple says Marriage Encounter gave them strength

Photo courtesy of the Allens

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Roland and Patti Allen sit in the back of Patti's dad's car that took them to their wedding reception. ?It wasn't a limo,? said Patti.

SALT LAKE CITY — Patti and Roland Allen will celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary June 28. They are members of Saint Thomas More Parish, Sandy.

"Our three children are having a party for us on Sunday, the actual day," said Patti.

"They are having a barbecue for us," said Roland.

"Our three children are Jason, 38, Chad, 35, and Sara, who is 32," said Patti. "We were married pretty young, but none of our children got married in their twenties.

"I was 21 and had just graduated from college, and Roland was 22, and had been out of college six months," said Patti. "We both had jobs, and we had it made. We spent all the money we had on the wedding. It cost us $500, and we started out from zero. It was pretty basic.

"It was great," said Roland.

"We began marriage encounter in 1975, and that probably…" said Patti.

"Changed our outlook on everything," said Roland.

"It set a new foundation for us," said Patti.

"That is really what led us to build this house close to the church and close to the school," said Roland.

"We wanted to make sure our kids were in Catholic school," said Patti.

"It kept us together," said Roland, as they both laughed.

"It taught us to communicate better," said Patti.

"We were involved for four or five years," said Roland.

"We were a team couple," said Patti. "We were involved in Marriage Encounter and gave weekend retreats. We had Sara in 1976, and then we got involved in giving discussions and talks in the Diocese of Salt Lake from a marriage point of view. We would talk about the interdependence of marriage."

"Marriage as a vocation versus the calling of religious life and holy orders," said Roland.

"Yes, how our vocations are really interlinked, and we need to support one another," said Patti. "We all really need one another."

"We are being called to be part of the faith community, too," said Roland.

"Married couples are examples of the role of Christ and his Church," said Patti. "It kind of elevates the importance of that love, and helped us realize that it was a decision we made every day. You don’t just get married once, you choose to marry each other every day.

"We had only been married six years when we started doing Marriage Encounter," said Patti. "It was a great start. Our family was very young.

"Marriage Encounter led us to be involved a lot in the parish in all different ways," said Roland. "In the parish and in the community, and we volunteer in a lot of things now."

"One of the Marriage Encounter talks was called ‘Open and Apostolic,’" said Patti. "It talked about the fact that God calls us to take our love and share it, and he will lead us in what ever direction. So that has brought us to do things we never dreamed of doing.

"That is how we got the kids in Catholic school, and got Patti teaching in Catholic school," said Roland.

"Yes, and then we helped with vocations in the diocese," said Patti. "There was a time when we were lay vocation directors. We also worked in the community on Habitat for Humanity, and lots of different things for years."

"We both volunteer at the Sharing Place now," said Roland. "It is a house for grieving children."

"It is a house where children who have had someone close to them die can go and share and play with other children," said Patti. "It is play therapy in a way. I volunteer with a group that meets a couple times a month, and Roland is on the board to help raise funds to keep them going."

"It is a non-profit group," said Roland. "It is the only thing like it in Salt Lake City. Kids internalize things, and think the worst when they have lost a parent or a brother or sister. So this helps them."

"It has been in Utah for 16 years, and Patti has volunteered there for seven years," said Roland.

"As a teacher, I love it because the kids lead in what they want to play," said Patti. "As a volunteer, I am just there to do reflective listening. The children share things that are so profound that there are times I am honored to be in their presence. I am involved in a group called Complicated Grief, that involves murder, suicide, or an overdose, for example. They have groups from age 3 through 25."

"We have always been involved in the community or the church," said Roland. "I am now on the board for Alopecia areata, because my baldness is not natural. My hair just fell out, and our daughter has it too. I was on the national board of directors for eight years, and together we did presentations and facilitated support groups. It is mostly for kids. They wonder what they did wrong. Our daughter lost her hair at 12 years old. It is tough times for these kids, and we let them know they are not alone, and teach them how to live as a bald person."

"A big part of our marriage is surrounding ourselves with other couples, that have long-standing marriages," said Roland.

"We have amazing friends," said Patti. "This year they have been so present to us in so many ways. Life was going to be wonderful. I was going to job share with my good friend Cece Holt (a member of the Cathedral of the Madeleine Parish) at St. Sophia Greek Orthodox School. But I was diagnosed with a rare form of ovarian cancer, and had to quit for the year. We had planned to take weekend trips, and just teach part time.

"I was diagnosed on Labor Day weekend," said Patti. "It was terrible. One of the former teachers had to step in and take my place and job share with Cece. That was a big disappointment.

"I have been in treatment with chemo and radiation for nine months, but now I am done and feeling better," said Patti. "That has been one of the bigger challenges of our 40 years together. This last year was scary.

"So we got through it by focusing on the love in our lives," said Patti. "Initially when I was diagnosed, I don’t think they thought I was going to live very long. I know that I am here based on the community of love and prayers that has surrounded me. I know that is what gets us through a lot, because when you have your own family and other families supporting you in love and faith, that will carry you."

"I got through it with a lot of prayer," said Arnold. "I knew with a lot of prayers we would succeed."

"We had a dinner party a couple of weeks ago with three couples, and Sara has been helping out a lot since I have been sick," said Patti. "So Sara did a lot of the cooking for this dinner party. One of the husbands said let’s just share how we all met each other. Sara thoroughly enjoyed it.

"Most of our friends are the families we met when our kids went to St. Vincent de Paul School or Judge Memorial Catholic High School, or are the women with whom I taught. I taught at St. Vincent for 10 years, St. Ann for five years, and I ran the Catholic Center on Main Street for three years. For the past eight years I have been at the Greek Orthodox School."

"I have been selling computers since I was born," said Roland laughing.

"We have lived in Ohio, Illinois, and Utah," said Patti.

"We moved here from Chicago, in 1974.

"We were married in Ohio, in 1969, said Patti. We moved to Chicago in 1972, and then moved here," said Patti.

"We were students at Kent State University, in Ohio," said Patti. "We met at a bar on a Friday night in June.

"June 10, said Roland.

"It was the end of my freshman year in 1966," said Patti. "But we didn’t date for a year and a half. We would just see each other there or on campus. We dated once, and then Roland got into a really bad car accident. I actually found out about it in the newspaper. He was in the hospital in intensive care over Christmas in my home town, and in a coma. By the time he woke up I had met his whole family and they loved me. So we started dating after he recuperated. We got married a year and a half later on June 28, 1969."