?We need to approach anger differently' speaker says

Intermountain Catholic

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Psychotherapist Israel Kalman demonstrates with Shelly Stevens, licensed clinical social worker, how getting angry and screaming at someone does not make them want to listen to you.IC photo by Christine Young

SALT LAKE CITY — "We have it all backwards when it comes to controlling anger and dealing with angry people," said Israel "Izzy" Kalman.

Kalman, a nationally renowned author, lecturer, and school psychologist, gave a seminar called "Anger Control Made Easy," to mental health professionals at the Radisson Hotel Oct. 11. The workshop offered real solutions to the very real problem of anger in our world today.

Kalman, who lives in New York, received his Bachelor of Science Degree in Psychology in 1974 at The College of the City of New York, in New York, and a Master of Science in Clinical Psychology in 1978, at Hahnemann Medical College and Hospital in Philadelphia, Pa. He is a nationally certified school psychologist and a New York State certified school psychologist. He has been a speaker at numerous professional conferences in the U.S. and abroad, and created a Staten Island Community TV series, "Help They’re Driving Me Crazy."

Kalman said the single most destructive element in life is anger. This became all too apparent in the wake of the Virginia Tech tragedy April 16. Since Columbine, April 20, 1999, the educational and mental health establishments have been targeting bullies in the hope of preventing horrific acts of mass violence.

"Anger destroys relationships and it destroys lives," said Kalman. "Prolonged anger literally poisons our bodies. It leads to depression and violence. Virtually everyone needing psychological or psychiatric help is intensely angry with one or more people in their lives. Prisons are full of individuals who could not control their anger.

"Is it possible that these efforts have been backfiring and increasing the danger?" asked Kalman. "Could it be that the real problem is not bullies, but people with a victim mentality? Are the educational and mental health establishments unwittingly promoting a victim mentality?"

Every country that has officially embraced the mission to eradicate bullying is experiencing an escalation of bullying. Anti-bullying laws are forcing schools to throw large sums of money into anti-bullying efforts that for the most part make the problem worse.

Kalman said a growing number of parents are suing schools for failing to stop their children from being bullied and/or are home-schooling their children to shelter them from bullying. Many school counselors have come to detest their jobs because their anti-bullying responsibilities have turned them from mental health professionals into security officers, detectives, and judges.

"Life began changing for human beings about 12,000 years ago," said Kalman. "We stopped being hunter/gathers and started living in villages and farming. There are now about six billion people living on this planet and our population is continuing to grow. In nature when the population goes up, violence also increases.

"As hunter/gathers might makes right, but that gets changed in civilization to justice and laws make right," said Kalman. "We are not programed to live by man-made laws, we have to learn to live by them. We naturally live as though we were living in nature.

"Anger and aggression are learned behaviors," he said. "Anger is aggression. Anger and anger control are both learned behaviors necessary for survival. Every human on earth is genetically programmed and shows signs of anger."

Kalman said there are different ways for mental health professionals to tell clients how to control anger. Some tell their clients to punch pillows, but that actually teaches them to punch when they get angry. They tell them to count to 10 and take time out, to hold back their anger. However, all they are doing is delaying the problem, and the client feels he or she is being asked to lose. When one does not get angry one wins. The biological goal is always to win. Clients are asked to get in touch with their feelings, but told not to get angry. Anger is a feeling.

"The goal of counseling is to get clients to take responsibility for their feelings and problems," said Kalman. "We want our clients to be happy. We are trying to create an emotional welfare state with governmental laws as our guardian. Today we are teaching our children it is the school’s job to handle their problems. We are teaching and encouraging children to get upset over insults.

"The golden rule is to treat others the way you want them to treat you," said Kalman. "That means be nice only when others are nice. Since Columbine, there is zero tolerance for aggression and bullies. The challenge is to be tolerant to intolerant people. We do not do this anymore. Our founding fathers gave us freedom of speech. Today we cannot say anything offensive to anyone. Every human being has to learn to live with words we do not like to hear."

Kalman said experts consider anger a learned behavior. We get angry when things go against us or threaten us. An angry person by definition feels like a victim. It does not matter how big or strong the person is, the abuser still feels like a victim. An abuser will experience the victim as the abuser. Almost every human being was abused in some way whether it was a parent, sibling, teacher, boss, or peer. Some people figure it out and others do not. Making abuse illegal does not make it disappear.

Kalman wrote the book "Bullies to Buddies: How to turn your enemies into friends." He offers six rules that will make it easy for people to control their anger and end any relationship problems.

Rule No. 1 is refuse to give others the power to get you mad. When you get mad you are really doing it to yourself.

Rule No. 2 is treat everything people tell you as the words of your best friend, even if they sound angry and hateful. This will make them actually be your friend.

Rule No. 3 is do not be afraid. Fear is something we feel towards enemies, not friends.

Rule No. 4 is do not defend yourself. We defend ourselves from enemies, not from friends. The moment we defend ourselves, we are treating the other person as an enemy. Talk in a kind manner.

Rule No. 5 is do not attack. Attacking friends is something we do to enemies, not to friends.

Rule No. 6 is if someone hurts you, just show that you are hurt; do not get angry. If you get angry when someone hurts you, you are showing your anger not your pain.

For more information, visit www.Bullies2Buddies.com.